Sunday, November 6, 2016


I bite my nails when I'm nervous. I hate this feeling. I feel crippled with anxiety and fear. Just when I was starting to have a better relationship with my fingernails- this happens. I have been a nail biter all my life, but now that I'm an adult, I now understand that I normally bite my nails when I can't jump out of my body and flee a situation that is highly stressful.

I say this in the most selfish way possible because this is about my life; I feel like I'm going nowhere with my life. I just sat down and mentally calculated (then I physically got a pen and paper because my brain is so full) some of the debts and stuffs I have to pay for and I'm OVER IT!!! I know I'm writing this in THIS moment, but right now I don't see a sunny day,a rainbow, or any possibility of this shit ever getting better. This thought process is not a norm for me or for others and how they perceive me. At times, most times, hell the majority of the time, a lot of people who know me perceive me as happy go lucky, positive, upbeat, stress-free, but those are not the truth. I sometimes even fool myself.

I am not one-dimensional. I try my best not to let "life stuffs" get me down, but when they do, they really do. I get into a very somber state that leaves me unrecognizable by others who look to me for inspirations of positivity. Well, right now I am POSITIVE that I don't think I can do this. I can't visualize a better feeling outcome right now because of these dollar signs that I owe. I'm staring at them and they stare back. They always end up winning the staring contest because they won't blink until they are paid.

I wouldn't be so stressed if I knew how to have a better relationship with money. I know I'm not the only woman (I still feel like a kid on the inside) or black woman who has a horrible relationship with money. I don't be up in other people's pockets because that's rude and homie don't play that, but I know there are many folks, especially black folk, who are struggling with their relationship with money.

Seriously though, I think all of us living on this planet are asking ourselves and each other every month when we pay rent, mortgage, bills: WHY THE FACK ARE WE PAYING TO LIVING ON THIS PLANET?!!

I'm still biting my nails just thinking about how to move forward. I want to seek out education that is specific to learning about money, money management, saving, investments, and financial freedom because I'm clearly doing something wrong. I need to get help from someone who has been through it and survived and has a story with secrets to share. Being honest with myself in this moment, I should've worked in college. What does working college have to do with my situation now? Well, I feel like I would've been a lot more adapted to money management while in college or high school even. I got my first job in the summer after my freshman year in college thanks to a "who you know" connection. I would go home exhausted from work ( please show each and every person you encounter respect). My feet would be throbbing and eyes sometimes blood shot and hard to close. I thought I was tough shit for making a little money, but it was finally my money and I didn't have to ask my mom for anything that I wanted to buy. Although I couldn't stand that job (literally, I had to stand my whole shift), I'm grateful for that first taste of a job but I am also disappointed that I didn't pursue or seek any employment opportunities when I was on my college campus.

I also wish I would've never gone to college. Let me rephrase before someone I know has a heart attack, I wish I would've maneuvered around college way more purposefully and consciously. I do wish that I had an interpreter, lawyer, business consultant, and Jesus himself at that round table when I signed my student loans. I seriously signed my innocence and youthfulness away in 2 minutes. The process was easy-peasy and yes of course they tell you about how you have to pay it back, but you aren't actually paying attention because it seems reasonable, logical, and even possible that you can pay the loans back after you get your "bitchin'" job right out of college. The way my adulting is set up right now determined that that little fairytale I had in my head was a funkin' lie. Was I even paying attention?

I can go on and on into the abyss of feeling sorry for myself and my financial life, but I'll spare you the annoyance.

Got any tips and tricks to share to help soften the blow or stop it from happening? Let me know, please :)

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